Skill with PeopleIf you could learn how to connect with people skillfully, you would be able to do what most can not. Your ability to interact with people determines the quality of your business life-your family life and your social life. The Knowledge and Techniques in this module if applied properly will greatly increase your skill with people.
HUMAN INSIGHT #1 - How we learn 83% ---by sight 11% ---through hearing 3.5%---through smell 1.5%---through touch 1%-----through taste HUMAN INSIGHT #2 - How we retain information 10%---of what we read 20%---of what we hear 30%---of what we see 50%---of what we see & hear 70%---of what we say as we talk 90%---of what we say as we do something HUMAN INSIGHT #3 - Recall Telling Only 70% recall after 3 hours 10% recall after 3 days Showing Only 72% recall after 3 hours 20% recall after 3 days Telling & Showing 85% recall after 3 hours 65% recall after 3 days |
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UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE AND HUMAN NATURE
The first step in increasing your skill in dealing with people (successful human relations) is to properly understand people and their nature.
When you have a proper understanding of human nature and people –when you know why people do the things that they do- when you know why and how people will react under certain conditions –then and only then can you become a skillful manager of people.
Understanding people and human nature simply involves recognizing people for what they are –not what you think they are --- not what you want them to be.
What are they?
PEOPLE ARE PRIMARILY INTERESTED IN THEMSELVES, NOT IN YOU!
Putting this same thought another way-the other person is ten thousand times more interested in himself than he is in you.
And vice versa! You are more interested in yourself than you are in any other person in the world.
Remember that man’s actions are governed by self thought, self interest- this trait is so strong in man that the dominant thought in charity is the satisfaction or pleasure that the giver gets from giving, not the good the gift will do. That comes second!
You don’t have to apologize or become embarrassed in recognizing that man’s nature is self interest – it has been that way from he beginning of time and will be that way till the end of time for man was put on earth with that nature. We are all alike in this respect.
This knowledge, that people are primarily interested in themselves, gives you the basis on which to work in your dealings with people.
It also gives you power and skill in your dealings with others. Read on and you will see how many successful techniques spring from this understanding.
So actually it is a key of life for you to realize that people are primarily interested in themselves and not in you.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY TALK TO PEOPLE
When you are talking to people, pick out the most interesting subject in the world to them to talk about. What is the most interesting subject in the world to them? THEMSELVES! When you talk to them about themselves they will be deeply interested and utterly, fascinated. They will think well of you for doing this.
When you talk to people about themselves, you are rubbing them the right way, you are working with human nature. When you talk to people about yourself, you are rubbing people the wrong way and working against human nature.
Take these WORDS OUT OF YOUR VOCABULARY- “I, ME, MY, MINE”
Substitute for those four words, with one word, the most powerful word spoken by the human tongue-“YOU”
E.g., “this is for YOU”, “YOU will benefit if YOU do this”, “this will please YOUR family”, “YOU get both advantages”, etc.
If YOU will give up the satisfaction YOU get from talking about YOURSELF, and that YOU get from the use of the words “I, me, my, mine”, YOUR personality efficiency and YOUR influence and power will be greatly increased. Admittedly it is hard to do and it does take practice but the rewards make it well worth it. Another good way of using peoples’ interest in themselves in conversation is to get them talking about themselves. You will find that people would rather talk about themselves than about any other subject. If you will maneuver people into talking about themselves they will like you very much. This is done by asking them questions about themselves such as-
“How is your family, John” - “how is that boy of yours in the army coming along” - “where is your married daughter living now”
“How long have you been in the company” - “is this your home town” - “what do you think of this“ - “is that a picture of your family“
“Did you enjoy your trip” - “did your family go with you “
Most of us are not effective on others because we keep busy thinking and talking about ourselves. The thing to remember is that it is not how you like your remarks and subject; it is how your listeners like them. So- when talking to others, talk about them and get them talking about themselves. That is how you can become a most interesting conversationalist!
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT
The most universal trait of mankind-a trait you and everybody else have- a trait so strong that it makes men do the things that they do, good and bad- is the desire to be important, the desire to be recognized.
So in order for you to be skillful in human relations, be sure to make people feel important. Remember that the more important you make people feel, the more they will respond to you.
Everybody wants to be treated as a somebody- this is the basis for the Oriental habit of “saving face.” Nobody wants to be treated as a nobody and when they are ignored or talked down to, they are being treated as just that. Keep in mind – to the other person, he is just as important to himself as you are to yourself. The use of this trait is one of the cornerstones of successful human relations.
Some tips on how to recognize people and make them feel important-
HOW TO SKILLFULLY AGREE WITH PEOPLE
Just about the single most important step you can take to be skillful in human relations is for you to master the Art of Being Agreeable.
Truly, this is one of the gems of wisdom of our time. Probably nothing will help you so much in your lifetime as this easy-to-do technique of being agreeable. As long as you live, never forget that any fool can disagree with people and that it takes a wise man, a shrewd man, a big man to agree- particularly when the other person is wrong.
The Art of Being Agreeable has six parts:
HOW TO SKILLFULLY LISTEN TO PEOPLE
The more listening you do, the smarter you will become, the better you will be like, and the better conversationalist you will be. A good listener always winds up far ahead of a good talker in the affections of people. This is because a good listener always allows people to hear their favorite speakers, themselves. There are few things in life which will help you more than becoming a good listener.
However, being a good listener is not an accident. Here are the five rules which make a good listener.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY INFLUENCE PEOPLE
The first big step in getting people to do what you want them to do is to find out what will make them do it (what they want). When you know what will move them, you then know how to move them.
All of us are different- we like different things- we place different values on different things. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that other people like what you like or are after what you are after. Find out what they are after, what they like.
Then you can move them by telling them what they want to hear. You simply show them how they can get what they want by doing what you want them to do. This is the big secret of influencing people. It means hitting the target with what you say but naturally you must know where the target is.
As an example of putting this principle to work- let’s assume you are an employer and you are trying to get an engineer to come to work for you. You know that several other companies have offered him positions.
Applying this principle, “Find Out What People Want”, you would first determine just what in a position and company the engineer was looking for and appealed to him most. If you found out he wanted advancement opportunity, you would show him how much advancement opportunity you had to offer. If he was after security, you would talk security. If he was after further education and experience, you would talk that. The point involved here is that you would find out what he wanted and then you would show him how he could get what he was after by doing what you wanted (e.g., to come to work for you).
Making this principle work from the opposite position- let’s assume you are applying for a job you want very much. You would first find out the abilities needed and duties and responsibilities so that you could show them that you could meet their needs. If they need a man who has to handle customers over the phone, you would mention that you could (or had) handle customers over the phone. After you knew what they were looking for, you could talk language they wanted to hear.
THE METHOD OF FINDING OUT WHAT PEOPLE WANT IS BY ASKING, WATCHING AND LISTENING TO THEM. PLUS, THE EFFORT ON YOUR PART TO FIND OUT.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY CONVINCE PEOPLE
It is human nature for people to be skeptical of you and of what you say when you are saying things that are to your own advantage. You can eliminate much of this skepticism when you make self-serving statements (statements that are to your own interest) by going at it in a different way.
That better way is for you not to make the statement directly but to quote somebody. Let somebody else make the statement for you, even if that somebody else isn’t even present.
Example – if you are asked if the product you sell will last a long time, you might answer “my next door neighbor has used one for four years and it is in good condition”.
In effect, your next door neighbor is answering the question for you, even though he isn’t around.
Example- if you were applying for a position and the prospective employer wondered if you could do the work. You would mention how well pleased your past employers have been, etc.
Example – if you were trying to rent your apartment and the people you were trying to rent it to; wanted to know if it was quiet. You would mention how the past tenants indicated how quiet the apartment was.
Now – in all these examples, you do not answer the inquiry or question. Your next door neighbor, your past employers and your past tenants do the answering for you. The people you are talking to will be more impressed than if you were to answer.
This is an odd thing but people won’t have the slightest doubt that what you tell them indirectly is true. Yet they will be highly skeptical if you say it yourself.
SO – SPEAK THROUGH THIRD PERSONS!
Quote people- relate success stories – cite facts and statistics.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE UP PEOPLES’ MINDS
There is more involved in getting people to say “yes” than luck, guesswork, or their whim. The skilled in human relations have several techniques and methods which greatly increase the chances of people saying “yes” to them (getting them to say “yes” simply means getting them to do what you want them to do).
Here are four good methods-
Give people REASONS to say ‘yes’ to you. Everything in this world is done for a reason. So- when you want somebody to do something, give them a reason why they should do it. However, be sure the reasons you give them are their reasons, meaning reasons that are to their advantage and benefit. The wrong way would be for you to give reasons that would be to your advantage and their benefit. In short, tell people how they will benefit by doing what you want them to do. Not how you benefit.
Ask “yes” questions. When you are trying to get people to say “yes” to you, first get them into a “yes” frame of mind. This is done by asking them two or three “yes” questionsExamples –“You want your family to be happy, don’t you?” (of course he does). “You want the best value for your money, don’t you?” (of course he does).
A “yes” question is a question that can only be answered with a “yes”. The idea behind “yes” questions is that if you get people into a yes frame of mind it makes it more probable they will say yes to you.
Be sure, however, to ask “yes” questions properly. That is, TO NOD YOUR HEAD “YES” WHILE YOU ARE ASKING THE QUESTION AND TO START OFF THE QUESTION WITH THE WORD “YOU”. “You want a good toaster, don’t you” (nodding your head yes). “You do want a good looking dress, don’t you” (nodding your head yes).
Give people a choice between a YES and a YES. This simply means getting people to choose between saying yes to you one way or saying yes to you another way. Either way they choose they are saying yes to you. This is highly preferable to giving them a choice between a yes and a no, which happens when you ask them to do
Yes means they will do it- no means they won’t do it. The skill is to have them choose between doing what you want one way or another way. E.g., if you want an appointment with Mr. Smith – “would this afternoon be satisfactory, Mr. Smith, or do you prefer tomorrow morning or afternoon” (you are giving Mr. Smith a choice of times to see you – a choice of yeses).
The poorer way would be to ask for an appointment. This way you are giving him a choice between yes (you can have the appointment) and a no (you can’t have the appointment).
Examples –
“do you want the black or do you want the white” (rather than “do you want one of these”).
“do you want to start work tomorrow or Tuesday” (rather than “do you want to start to work”).
“do you want this charged or do you want to pay cash” (rather than “do you want this”).
This method won’t work every time but it will work a good deal of the time and it will work far better than giving people a choice between saying yes and no.
Expect people to say “yes” to you and let them know they are expected to say yes. When you expect people to say yes to you, that is confidence. However, this goes further than confidence- one step further. You let them know, you definitely give them the impression, that they are expected to say yes. Almost all people start off in “neutral” and can be led. Many never doubt or waver doing what you want, once you let them know it is expected of them. This is excellent psychology and will be easy for you to practice after the first few successes.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY SET PEOPLES’ MOODS
You can make 9 out of 10 people like you immediately! You can make 9 out of 10 people courteous, cooperative and friendly in 1 second! (with the same magic).
Here’s how-
(let’s shorten this to PEOPLE RESPOND IN KIND).
So- in the first second- that instant when you first establish eye contact- before you say anything- before you break silence –GIVE PEOPLE YOUR SINCERE SMILE.
What will happen? They will RESPOND IN KIND- THEY WILL RETURN YOUR SMILE AND BE PLEASANT.
In every human relation act- dealing between two persons- there is an atmosphere, a mood, a stage set.
The skill here is for you to set the atmosphere, the mood, the stage. Either you or the other person will set it. If you are wise you will set it to our own advantage.
One of the tragic facts of human relations is the failure of people to realize that what they put out to other people they get right back from them. If you put out sunshine to people, back will come sunshine from them. Put out a blizzard to them and back will come a blizzard.
The key lies in the timing- the smile should come before you break silence. This sets the stage in a warm, friendly mood. Your tone of voice and facial expression are important, too, for they reveal your inner thoughts.
Don’t forget to start your smile the same way the professional entertainers and models do. By saying this one word to yourself-
“CHEESE” It works!
HOW TO SKILLFULLY PRAISE PEOPLE
Man does not live on bread alone.
Man needs food for the spirit as well as for the body. Remember how you feel when a kind word or compliment is given to you? Remember how your whole day or evening is brightened up by that kind word or compliment? Remember how long the good feeling lasts?
Well, others will react just as you do. So – say the kind of things that people want to hear. They will love you for saying kind things and you will feel good for having said them.
BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR PRAISE. Look for somebody and something to praise and then do it.
But –
HAPPINESS FORMULA – get into the habit of saying daily one kind thing to at least three different people. Then see how YOU feel for having done so!
This is a happiness formula for YOU! When you see the happiness and gratitude and pleasure you bring others by doing this YOU will feel good. There is more joy in giving than in receiving.
Try it.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY CRITIQUE PEOPLE
The key to successful critiques lies in the spirit of the critiques. If you critique mostly to “tell the other person off” or “to give him a piece of your mind” or “to give him his come-uppance” then you will get nothing from the critique other than satisfaction of venting your spleen and the other person’s resentment, for no one enjoys being critiqued.
However, if you are interested in corrective action, in results, you can accomplish much with your critique if you go at it in the right way. Here are some rules which will help you do just that.
The 7 Musts for Successful Criticism –
HOW TO SKILLFULLY THANK PEOPLE
It is not enough for you to feel grateful and appreciative to people. You should show that gratitude and appreciation to the parties that deserve it.
This is because it is human nature for people to like and respond to those who show them gratitude and appreciation. They respond by giving even more.
If you are grateful to people and if you let those people know you are grateful, almost always they will give you more the next time. If you don’t show your gratitude (even if you are grateful) chances are that there won’t be a next time or that you will wind up with less.
However, there is quite an Art of Saying “Thank You”-
This will be a great asset to you all through your life.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
To a great extent we control others’ opinions of us. We start off as strangers to everyone and their opinion of us is largely determined by the way we conduct ourselves. Knowing this, it behooves all of us to conduct ourselves in such a manner that the effect on other will be good. Handsome is as handsome does.
If you want people to think well of you, to look up to you, to look upon you with admiration and respect, you must give them the impression that you deserve that rating. This is done primarily by the value you put on yourself. Be proud of yourself (but not conceited), of who you are, of what you do, of where you work. Don’t apologize for your station in life or for yourself. You are what you are- so handle yourself with pride and respect.
Example – when people ask you what you do for a living, it is very important how you answer them. As a professional you don’t want to say... “oh, I’m just another salesman”. They couldn’t possibly be impressed with you for you have told them you weren’t worth their being impressed. Using this rule – handle yourself with pride and respect. “Mr., I’m fortunate enough to be associated with one the finest healthcare companies in the country, Health Fleet.”
You can well imagine the difference in value in the other person’s mind that the second answer would get over the first answer.
Also –
4. Don’t try to build yourself up by running other people down.
Always stand on your own merits – don’t try to make yourself look good by making other people look bad.
True progress in life will be determined by your own efforts and worth. You cannot get far “advancing over the bodies of others.”
Keep the emphasis on yourself which you do when you stand on your own merits. When you run others down to make yourself look good, the emphasis goes on them, not on you.
5. Don’t knock anybody or anything.
If you can’t say something good, say nothing.
It is wrong to knock but that is not the main reason not to knock. The big reason is that knocks and knocking boomerang and hurt the knocker himself.
Knocking just reveals one’s inner self. Be shrewd, be smooth – don’t knock.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE A TALK
Here are five rules which, if you observe them, will make you an interesting speaker. They make the difference between interesting talkers and uninteresting ones.
FINAL THOUGHTS
To be honest... the knowledge and information you just read on Human Relations will do you no good unless you use it.
Knowledge itself is of no value. It is the USE OF KNOWLEDGE that makes it valuable. Putting this thought another way – life does not pay off for you on what you can do. Life pays off for you on what you do.
This knowledge is your key to a better life, more friends, more success, and more happiness. Put this knowledge to work for you and your family NOW.
The first step in increasing your skill in dealing with people (successful human relations) is to properly understand people and their nature.
When you have a proper understanding of human nature and people –when you know why people do the things that they do- when you know why and how people will react under certain conditions –then and only then can you become a skillful manager of people.
Understanding people and human nature simply involves recognizing people for what they are –not what you think they are --- not what you want them to be.
What are they?
PEOPLE ARE PRIMARILY INTERESTED IN THEMSELVES, NOT IN YOU!
Putting this same thought another way-the other person is ten thousand times more interested in himself than he is in you.
And vice versa! You are more interested in yourself than you are in any other person in the world.
Remember that man’s actions are governed by self thought, self interest- this trait is so strong in man that the dominant thought in charity is the satisfaction or pleasure that the giver gets from giving, not the good the gift will do. That comes second!
You don’t have to apologize or become embarrassed in recognizing that man’s nature is self interest – it has been that way from he beginning of time and will be that way till the end of time for man was put on earth with that nature. We are all alike in this respect.
This knowledge, that people are primarily interested in themselves, gives you the basis on which to work in your dealings with people.
It also gives you power and skill in your dealings with others. Read on and you will see how many successful techniques spring from this understanding.
So actually it is a key of life for you to realize that people are primarily interested in themselves and not in you.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY TALK TO PEOPLE
When you are talking to people, pick out the most interesting subject in the world to them to talk about. What is the most interesting subject in the world to them? THEMSELVES! When you talk to them about themselves they will be deeply interested and utterly, fascinated. They will think well of you for doing this.
When you talk to people about themselves, you are rubbing them the right way, you are working with human nature. When you talk to people about yourself, you are rubbing people the wrong way and working against human nature.
Take these WORDS OUT OF YOUR VOCABULARY- “I, ME, MY, MINE”
Substitute for those four words, with one word, the most powerful word spoken by the human tongue-“YOU”
E.g., “this is for YOU”, “YOU will benefit if YOU do this”, “this will please YOUR family”, “YOU get both advantages”, etc.
If YOU will give up the satisfaction YOU get from talking about YOURSELF, and that YOU get from the use of the words “I, me, my, mine”, YOUR personality efficiency and YOUR influence and power will be greatly increased. Admittedly it is hard to do and it does take practice but the rewards make it well worth it. Another good way of using peoples’ interest in themselves in conversation is to get them talking about themselves. You will find that people would rather talk about themselves than about any other subject. If you will maneuver people into talking about themselves they will like you very much. This is done by asking them questions about themselves such as-
“How is your family, John” - “how is that boy of yours in the army coming along” - “where is your married daughter living now”
“How long have you been in the company” - “is this your home town” - “what do you think of this“ - “is that a picture of your family“
“Did you enjoy your trip” - “did your family go with you “
Most of us are not effective on others because we keep busy thinking and talking about ourselves. The thing to remember is that it is not how you like your remarks and subject; it is how your listeners like them. So- when talking to others, talk about them and get them talking about themselves. That is how you can become a most interesting conversationalist!
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT
The most universal trait of mankind-a trait you and everybody else have- a trait so strong that it makes men do the things that they do, good and bad- is the desire to be important, the desire to be recognized.
So in order for you to be skillful in human relations, be sure to make people feel important. Remember that the more important you make people feel, the more they will respond to you.
Everybody wants to be treated as a somebody- this is the basis for the Oriental habit of “saving face.” Nobody wants to be treated as a nobody and when they are ignored or talked down to, they are being treated as just that. Keep in mind – to the other person, he is just as important to himself as you are to yourself. The use of this trait is one of the cornerstones of successful human relations.
Some tips on how to recognize people and make them feel important-
- Listen to them (see “How to Skillfully Listen To People”) Refusing to listen to people is just about the surest way of making them feel unimportant and of rating them a nobody. Listening to them is just about the best way of making them feel important.
- Applaud and compliment them when they deserve it.
- Use their names and pictures as often as possible. Call people by their names and use their pictures and they will love you.
- Pause before you answer them. This gives them the impression you have thought over what they said and that it was worthy of thinking over.
- Use the words- “you” and “your.” Not “I, me, my, mine.”
- Acknowledge people who are waiting to see you. If they have to wait, let them know you know they are waiting. This is really treating them as a somebody.
- Pay attention to everybody in a group. Not to just the leader or spokesman. A group is more than one.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY AGREE WITH PEOPLE
Just about the single most important step you can take to be skillful in human relations is for you to master the Art of Being Agreeable.
Truly, this is one of the gems of wisdom of our time. Probably nothing will help you so much in your lifetime as this easy-to-do technique of being agreeable. As long as you live, never forget that any fool can disagree with people and that it takes a wise man, a shrewd man, a big man to agree- particularly when the other person is wrong.
The Art of Being Agreeable has six parts:
- Learn to be agreeable, to agree with people. Get yourself into a frame of mind, an attitude of being agreeable. Develop an agreeable nature. Be a naturally agreeable person.
- Tell people when you agree with them. It is not enough to be agreeable with people. Let people know that you agree with them. Nod your head “yes” and look at them when you do it and say to them – “I agree with you” or “you are right.”
- Do not tell people when you disagree with them unless it is absolutely necessary. If you can’t agree with people, and many times you can’t, then just don’t disagree with them unless it is absolutely necessary. You will be amazed at how seldom this will be.
- Admit it when you are wrong. Whenever you are wrong, say so out loud- “I made a mistake”, “I was wrong,” etc. It takes a big person to do this and people admire anyone who can do it. The average person will lie, deny or alibi.
- Refrain from arguing. The poorest technique known in human relations is arguing. Even if you are right, don’t argue. Nobody wins arguments or friends by arguing.
- Handle fighters properly. Fighters want one thing- a fight. The better technique to handle them is to refuse to fight with them. They will sputter, fume and then look silly.
- People like those who agree with them.
- People dislike those who disagree with them.
- People don’t like being disagreed with.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY LISTEN TO PEOPLE
The more listening you do, the smarter you will become, the better you will be like, and the better conversationalist you will be. A good listener always winds up far ahead of a good talker in the affections of people. This is because a good listener always allows people to hear their favorite speakers, themselves. There are few things in life which will help you more than becoming a good listener.
However, being a good listener is not an accident. Here are the five rules which make a good listener.
- Look at the person who is talking. Anybody worth listening to is worth looking at.
- Lean towards the speaker and listen intently. Appear as if you don’t want to miss a single word.
- Ask questions. This lets the person who is talking know you are listening. Asking questions is a high from of flattery.
- Stick to speaker’s subject and don’t interrupt. Don’t change subjects on a person until he is finished no matter how anxious you are to get started on a new one.
- Use the speaker’s words- “you” and “your”. If you use “I, me, my, mine” you are switching the focus from the speaker to yourself. That is talking, not listening. You will note that these five rules are nothing more than courtesy. Never will courtesy pay off for you so much as it will in listening.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY INFLUENCE PEOPLE
The first big step in getting people to do what you want them to do is to find out what will make them do it (what they want). When you know what will move them, you then know how to move them.
All of us are different- we like different things- we place different values on different things. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that other people like what you like or are after what you are after. Find out what they are after, what they like.
Then you can move them by telling them what they want to hear. You simply show them how they can get what they want by doing what you want them to do. This is the big secret of influencing people. It means hitting the target with what you say but naturally you must know where the target is.
As an example of putting this principle to work- let’s assume you are an employer and you are trying to get an engineer to come to work for you. You know that several other companies have offered him positions.
Applying this principle, “Find Out What People Want”, you would first determine just what in a position and company the engineer was looking for and appealed to him most. If you found out he wanted advancement opportunity, you would show him how much advancement opportunity you had to offer. If he was after security, you would talk security. If he was after further education and experience, you would talk that. The point involved here is that you would find out what he wanted and then you would show him how he could get what he was after by doing what you wanted (e.g., to come to work for you).
Making this principle work from the opposite position- let’s assume you are applying for a job you want very much. You would first find out the abilities needed and duties and responsibilities so that you could show them that you could meet their needs. If they need a man who has to handle customers over the phone, you would mention that you could (or had) handle customers over the phone. After you knew what they were looking for, you could talk language they wanted to hear.
THE METHOD OF FINDING OUT WHAT PEOPLE WANT IS BY ASKING, WATCHING AND LISTENING TO THEM. PLUS, THE EFFORT ON YOUR PART TO FIND OUT.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY CONVINCE PEOPLE
It is human nature for people to be skeptical of you and of what you say when you are saying things that are to your own advantage. You can eliminate much of this skepticism when you make self-serving statements (statements that are to your own interest) by going at it in a different way.
That better way is for you not to make the statement directly but to quote somebody. Let somebody else make the statement for you, even if that somebody else isn’t even present.
Example – if you are asked if the product you sell will last a long time, you might answer “my next door neighbor has used one for four years and it is in good condition”.
In effect, your next door neighbor is answering the question for you, even though he isn’t around.
Example- if you were applying for a position and the prospective employer wondered if you could do the work. You would mention how well pleased your past employers have been, etc.
Example – if you were trying to rent your apartment and the people you were trying to rent it to; wanted to know if it was quiet. You would mention how the past tenants indicated how quiet the apartment was.
Now – in all these examples, you do not answer the inquiry or question. Your next door neighbor, your past employers and your past tenants do the answering for you. The people you are talking to will be more impressed than if you were to answer.
This is an odd thing but people won’t have the slightest doubt that what you tell them indirectly is true. Yet they will be highly skeptical if you say it yourself.
SO – SPEAK THROUGH THIRD PERSONS!
Quote people- relate success stories – cite facts and statistics.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE UP PEOPLES’ MINDS
There is more involved in getting people to say “yes” than luck, guesswork, or their whim. The skilled in human relations have several techniques and methods which greatly increase the chances of people saying “yes” to them (getting them to say “yes” simply means getting them to do what you want them to do).
Here are four good methods-
Give people REASONS to say ‘yes’ to you. Everything in this world is done for a reason. So- when you want somebody to do something, give them a reason why they should do it. However, be sure the reasons you give them are their reasons, meaning reasons that are to their advantage and benefit. The wrong way would be for you to give reasons that would be to your advantage and their benefit. In short, tell people how they will benefit by doing what you want them to do. Not how you benefit.
Ask “yes” questions. When you are trying to get people to say “yes” to you, first get them into a “yes” frame of mind. This is done by asking them two or three “yes” questionsExamples –“You want your family to be happy, don’t you?” (of course he does). “You want the best value for your money, don’t you?” (of course he does).
A “yes” question is a question that can only be answered with a “yes”. The idea behind “yes” questions is that if you get people into a yes frame of mind it makes it more probable they will say yes to you.
Be sure, however, to ask “yes” questions properly. That is, TO NOD YOUR HEAD “YES” WHILE YOU ARE ASKING THE QUESTION AND TO START OFF THE QUESTION WITH THE WORD “YOU”. “You want a good toaster, don’t you” (nodding your head yes). “You do want a good looking dress, don’t you” (nodding your head yes).
Give people a choice between a YES and a YES. This simply means getting people to choose between saying yes to you one way or saying yes to you another way. Either way they choose they are saying yes to you. This is highly preferable to giving them a choice between a yes and a no, which happens when you ask them to do
Yes means they will do it- no means they won’t do it. The skill is to have them choose between doing what you want one way or another way. E.g., if you want an appointment with Mr. Smith – “would this afternoon be satisfactory, Mr. Smith, or do you prefer tomorrow morning or afternoon” (you are giving Mr. Smith a choice of times to see you – a choice of yeses).
The poorer way would be to ask for an appointment. This way you are giving him a choice between yes (you can have the appointment) and a no (you can’t have the appointment).
Examples –
“do you want the black or do you want the white” (rather than “do you want one of these”).
“do you want to start work tomorrow or Tuesday” (rather than “do you want to start to work”).
“do you want this charged or do you want to pay cash” (rather than “do you want this”).
This method won’t work every time but it will work a good deal of the time and it will work far better than giving people a choice between saying yes and no.
Expect people to say “yes” to you and let them know they are expected to say yes. When you expect people to say yes to you, that is confidence. However, this goes further than confidence- one step further. You let them know, you definitely give them the impression, that they are expected to say yes. Almost all people start off in “neutral” and can be led. Many never doubt or waver doing what you want, once you let them know it is expected of them. This is excellent psychology and will be easy for you to practice after the first few successes.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY SET PEOPLES’ MOODS
You can make 9 out of 10 people like you immediately! You can make 9 out of 10 people courteous, cooperative and friendly in 1 second! (with the same magic).
Here’s how-
- By remembering that the first few seconds of any relationship usually sets the tone and spirit of it.
- And then utilizing the 2nd Basic Law of Human Behavior
(let’s shorten this to PEOPLE RESPOND IN KIND).
So- in the first second- that instant when you first establish eye contact- before you say anything- before you break silence –GIVE PEOPLE YOUR SINCERE SMILE.
What will happen? They will RESPOND IN KIND- THEY WILL RETURN YOUR SMILE AND BE PLEASANT.
In every human relation act- dealing between two persons- there is an atmosphere, a mood, a stage set.
The skill here is for you to set the atmosphere, the mood, the stage. Either you or the other person will set it. If you are wise you will set it to our own advantage.
One of the tragic facts of human relations is the failure of people to realize that what they put out to other people they get right back from them. If you put out sunshine to people, back will come sunshine from them. Put out a blizzard to them and back will come a blizzard.
The key lies in the timing- the smile should come before you break silence. This sets the stage in a warm, friendly mood. Your tone of voice and facial expression are important, too, for they reveal your inner thoughts.
Don’t forget to start your smile the same way the professional entertainers and models do. By saying this one word to yourself-
“CHEESE” It works!
HOW TO SKILLFULLY PRAISE PEOPLE
Man does not live on bread alone.
Man needs food for the spirit as well as for the body. Remember how you feel when a kind word or compliment is given to you? Remember how your whole day or evening is brightened up by that kind word or compliment? Remember how long the good feeling lasts?
Well, others will react just as you do. So – say the kind of things that people want to hear. They will love you for saying kind things and you will feel good for having said them.
BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR PRAISE. Look for somebody and something to praise and then do it.
But –
- The praise must be sincere. If it isn’t sincere, don’t give it.
- Praise the act, not the person. Praising the act avoids embarrassment and confusion, it has a much more sincere ring to it, it avoids charges of favoritism and it creates an incentive for more of the same act. e.g., “John, your work this past year has truly been excellent” (rather than “John, you are a good man”). “Mary, you did a splendid job on the year end reports” (rather than “Mary’s a good worker”). “Mr. Smith, your lawn and landscaping is simply beautiful” (rather than “Mr. Smith, you work hard”). Make the praise specific- pinpoint it.
HAPPINESS FORMULA – get into the habit of saying daily one kind thing to at least three different people. Then see how YOU feel for having done so!
This is a happiness formula for YOU! When you see the happiness and gratitude and pleasure you bring others by doing this YOU will feel good. There is more joy in giving than in receiving.
Try it.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY CRITIQUE PEOPLE
The key to successful critiques lies in the spirit of the critiques. If you critique mostly to “tell the other person off” or “to give him a piece of your mind” or “to give him his come-uppance” then you will get nothing from the critique other than satisfaction of venting your spleen and the other person’s resentment, for no one enjoys being critiqued.
However, if you are interested in corrective action, in results, you can accomplish much with your critique if you go at it in the right way. Here are some rules which will help you do just that.
The 7 Musts for Successful Criticism –
- Criticism should be made in absolute privacy. No doors open, no raising of the voice, nobody listening.
- Preface criticism with a kind word or compliment. Create a friendly atmosphere - soften the blow. (Kiss ‘em before you kick ‘em).
- Make the criticism impersonal – criticize the act, not the person. It is the act that should be criticized, rather than the person.
- Supply the answer. The answer means the right way. When you tell somebody what he is doing wrong, you also should tell him how to do it right.
- Ask for cooperation – don’t demand it. It is a fact that you will get more cooperation from people if you ask them for it than if you demand it.
- One criticism to an offense. The most justified criticism is justified just ONCE.
- Finish the criticism on a friendly note. Finish on a note of “we’re friends; we’ve solved our problems, let’s work together and help each other.” Not on the note, “you’ve been told off, now get on the ball.” This is the most important rule of the seven.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY THANK PEOPLE
It is not enough for you to feel grateful and appreciative to people. You should show that gratitude and appreciation to the parties that deserve it.
This is because it is human nature for people to like and respond to those who show them gratitude and appreciation. They respond by giving even more.
If you are grateful to people and if you let those people know you are grateful, almost always they will give you more the next time. If you don’t show your gratitude (even if you are grateful) chances are that there won’t be a next time or that you will wind up with less.
However, there is quite an Art of Saying “Thank You”-
- When you say “thank you”, MEAN it. Be sincere when you thank people. People will know when you are genuinely appreciative. They also know when you are not sincere.
- Say it clearly and distinctly. When thanking people, don’t mumble, whisper or slur the words. Say thanks as if you are glad you are saying it.
- Look at the people you thank. It means so much more when you look at the people you thank. Anybody worth thanking is worth looking at.
- Thank people by name. Personalize your thanks by names. It makes a lot of difference to say “thank you, Miss Jones” instead of “thank you”.
- Work at thanking people. This means to watch for chances to show your appreciation. The average person will thank for the obvious – the above average person for the not so obvious.
- As simple as the above rules are, very few techniques are more important in human relations than the ability to properly thank people.
This will be a great asset to you all through your life.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
To a great extent we control others’ opinions of us. We start off as strangers to everyone and their opinion of us is largely determined by the way we conduct ourselves. Knowing this, it behooves all of us to conduct ourselves in such a manner that the effect on other will be good. Handsome is as handsome does.
If you want people to think well of you, to look up to you, to look upon you with admiration and respect, you must give them the impression that you deserve that rating. This is done primarily by the value you put on yourself. Be proud of yourself (but not conceited), of who you are, of what you do, of where you work. Don’t apologize for your station in life or for yourself. You are what you are- so handle yourself with pride and respect.
Example – when people ask you what you do for a living, it is very important how you answer them. As a professional you don’t want to say... “oh, I’m just another salesman”. They couldn’t possibly be impressed with you for you have told them you weren’t worth their being impressed. Using this rule – handle yourself with pride and respect. “Mr., I’m fortunate enough to be associated with one the finest healthcare companies in the country, Health Fleet.”
You can well imagine the difference in value in the other person’s mind that the second answer would get over the first answer.
Also –
- Be sincere. Stay away from cheap flattery, empty promises, and meaningless words. Say only things which you mean. Believe those things that you say.
- Show enthusiasm. This is priceless asset which you can acquire by just selling yourself on what you are doing. Enthusiasm is contagious. After you sell yourself, you can then sell others and not until.
- Don’t be overanxious. In dealing with people, avoid seeming overanxious. Over anxiety starts people wondering and gives them doubts. People have a strong tendency to balk at any action which they feel you are “red hot” for them doing. Their instinct will be to get suspicious or to drive a harder bargain. Conceal your anxiety. Be an actor.
4. Don’t try to build yourself up by running other people down.
Always stand on your own merits – don’t try to make yourself look good by making other people look bad.
True progress in life will be determined by your own efforts and worth. You cannot get far “advancing over the bodies of others.”
Keep the emphasis on yourself which you do when you stand on your own merits. When you run others down to make yourself look good, the emphasis goes on them, not on you.
5. Don’t knock anybody or anything.
If you can’t say something good, say nothing.
It is wrong to knock but that is not the main reason not to knock. The big reason is that knocks and knocking boomerang and hurt the knocker himself.
Knocking just reveals one’s inner self. Be shrewd, be smooth – don’t knock.
HOW TO SKILLFULLY MAKE A TALK
Here are five rules which, if you observe them, will make you an interesting speaker. They make the difference between interesting talkers and uninteresting ones.
- Know what you want to say. If you don’t know exactly what you want to say, don’t get on your feet or open your mouth. Speak with authority, from knowledge, with confidence – and this can only be if you know what you want to say.
- Say it and sit down. Be brief, be to the point and then sit down. Remember no one was ever criticized for saying to little and if more is desired from you, it will be asked of you. Quit winner.
- Look at the audience while you talk. The importance of this rule is hard to overstate. Anybody worth talking to is worth looking at. This is why talkers who read their talks rarely go over.
- Talk about what the audience is interested in. It is not what you want to say that is important. It is what the audience wants to hear. The audience’s interest is paramount, not yours. A sure-fire method of being a winning and well liked talker is to tell people what they wan to hear.
- Don’t try to make a speech. Don’t try to orate – few can. Make a talk instead. Be natural, be yourself. That is why you are making the talk. Just say what you have to say, naturally.
FINAL THOUGHTS
To be honest... the knowledge and information you just read on Human Relations will do you no good unless you use it.
Knowledge itself is of no value. It is the USE OF KNOWLEDGE that makes it valuable. Putting this thought another way – life does not pay off for you on what you can do. Life pays off for you on what you do.
This knowledge is your key to a better life, more friends, more success, and more happiness. Put this knowledge to work for you and your family NOW.